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Thread: Help with literary translation

 
  1. #1
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    Default Help with literary translation

    Hello everyone, I am working in the translation of a novel written by me, and since English is not my natural language, I would like to request some help from native English speakers. Here's my first doubt:


    "En el patio de la casa de mi infancia prosperaba un árbol frondoso. Éramos pobres nosotros y no concebíamos cosa más grata que ir a jugar bajo aquel árbol benéfico que con su sombra lozana nos protegía del sol, y que con el perfume de sus flores nos inspiraba seguridad y confianza. ¡Su fruto era nuestro alimento y sus raíces la certeza de que no se iría!
    Era fuerte, robusto y generoso el árbol de nuestro patio, siempre dispuesto a tolerar por nosotros las inclemencias del clima y a cubrir el suelo de tierra negra con sus hojas cansadas, a fin de que no tuviéramos que ensuciarnos en aquellos días interminables de risas y juegos."

    "In my childhood yard grew a leafy tree. We were poor and could not conceive a more pleasant thing than playing under that beneficient tree, whose unpolluted shade protected us from the sun and which with the scent of its flowers it inspired security and confidence in us. Its fruit was our food and in its roots was the certainty that it would not go!
    The tree of our yard was strong, robust and generous, always ready to shield us from the inclement weather and to cover the black earth with its tired leaves that shielded us from the dirt in those endless days of laughs and games."


    Does this sound okay, or is it too weird for the average reader?

    Please keep in mind my main problem is the lack of experience regarding how the language is used and perceived by native English speakers.

    Also, may I keep posting my doubts on this thread, or should I create a different thread each time?

    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by CARZ1983; 07-10-2016 at 05:12 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Help with literary translation

    First of all, please continue to post any further questions you have in this thread.

    "In my childhood yard grew a leafy tree. We were poor and could not conceive a more pleasant thing than playing under that beneficient tree, whose unpolluted shade protected us from the sun and which with the scent of its flowers it inspired security and confidence in us. Its fruit was our food and in its roots was the certainty that it would not go!
    The tree of our yard was strong, robust and generous, always ready to shield us from the inclement weather and to cover the black earth with its tired leaves that shielded us from the dirt in those endless days of laughs and games."

    This translation would be understood by any English speaker; however, if this were being written by a native English speaker there are certain parts that would probably be worded differently:

    I recommend changing the following:

    "In my childhood yard grew a leafy tree" to "A leafy tree grew in the yard of my childhood home".

    "...playing under that beneficient tree... Correct spelling is beneficent.

    "...whose unpolluted shade protected us..." I suggest luxuriant or abundant shade.

    "...and which with the scent of its flowers it inspired security and confidence in us." I suggest "...and which, with the scent of its flowers, inspired a sense of security and confidence in us."

    "...the certainty that it would not go!" I suggest "...the certainty that it would endure forever."

    "...its tired leaves that shielded us..." Tired leaves? Did you mean something like "hanging" or "drooping"
    .
    vicente

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    Default Re: Help with literary translation

    Thanks a lot, I will.

    Also, I have a question: Do you understand Spanish, Vicente? Eitherway, if English is your first language I would really love to add you to my contacts in Facebook so I can directly ask you whatever doubt that may arise... And I would, of course, credit you in the book for your help.

    https://www.facebook.com/carz1983

    As for your question: I meant tired leaves. It's a metaphor. Just picture the leaves of this tree as sentient being which get tired and fall to the ground. Now, if it sound bad or too confusing, please let me know.

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