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Thread: Englsh Check Please

 
  1. #1
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    Default Englsh Check Please

    This is for IELTS Writing Task1,and I do want to know any mistakes I've made in this paragraph.
    So please help me correct my little essay.Thank you very much.

    Owing to the global population growth,the water use has changed over the century from 1900 to 2000.

    In 1900,the water use of agriculture rose steadily from 500 km(3) to its apex 3000 km(3) in 2000,while the other two sectors were remaining almost the same amount of water until 1950.

    During the middle of the century,industrial use started increasing with industrial revolution.However,domestic use was not growing as fast as other sectors.

    The table illustrates the water consumption in agricultural use has vastly different between these two countries.In developing country Brazil has fertile land for irrigating purpose,therefore the water consumption per person is 359 m(3) compared with undeveloped country D.M.C.,due to the low population and its infertile irrigated land,the consumption is comparatively lower than Brazil.

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    Default Re: Englsh Check Please

    Hi saikou

    For the first line: Instead of owing, i would go with "due", for instance. And the second opart of that sentence isn't clear either.

    J.

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    Default Re: Englsh Check Please

    Hi Saikou!

    I agree, you should say 'Due to global (no need to use article in this case) population growth...'

    Then I've noticed some other things:

    Saying 'In 1900...' is not correct in the sense that you are talking about the whole century (I take it), and not just that particular year. You should say 'In the 1900's..." instead.
    Moving on: '...the water use of agriculture..." I'm not sure it's very idiomatic. I'd go with '...the use of water in agriculture rose steadily from its apex, 3000 km in 2000, while the other two sectors kept consuming almost the same amount of water...' or '... while the other sectors' comsumption (of water, though it's implied) remained almost the same until...'

    Then:
    'Around the middle of the century, the levels of comsumption (or use of water) for industrial purposes increased with the industrial revolution. However, water comsumption for domestic uses didn't expand as fast as in the other sectors.'

    And last but not least:

    'The table illustrates how vastly different water consumption for agricultural uses (or purposes, preferably) is in these two countries. Developing country Brazil has fertile lands thanks to irrigation, therefore the water consumption per person is at 359m3, while undeveloped country D.M.C.'s levels of comsumption are comparatively lower than Brazil's due to low population and its infertile irrigated lands.'

    I hope this helped. I changed some things, but I think it reads better this way. I don't have the original paper either so I just tried to make what you wrote above a little clearer.

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    Default Re: Englsh Check Please

    Adding my two cents to the conversation....

    Although "due to" is used regularly, I prefer "because of" when, indeed, that is what you mean.

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